At age 18, I considered myself an adult and loved the freedom being an undergraduate gave me. I had returned to YabaTech for my HND program (Yup, I'm sort of an educational early bloomer), very few knew how old I really was because I was quite mature for my age and I had older friends so people just assumed I was older.
At that time, I had won a campus beauty pageant so I was a little bit of a celebrity in some (very small) circles... I was funny, witty, adventurous, intelligent, well-spoken and very well liked by many. I was a catch! Lol
Underneath that confident exterior however was a girl still struggling with her identity and sense of self. I know this now with the benefit of hindsight but back then, I was oblivious.
The early twenties hit and I still had it all going on but for the life of me, I couldn't understand why finding the 'right guy' was such a difficult task. My relationships were filled with drama, plenty accusations and tears, misadventures and most eventually ended with a broken heart, which was sometimes mine.
Now these guys weren't bad boys. Infact, any guy I ever dated, I most likely met in church because I was a church girl and church brothers just seem to know all the right things to say and they were mostly respectful. I didn’t realize it then but there was a void in me that being in a relationship seemed to fill so I almost always had a man in my life. My siblings still tease me till date.
This neediness meant I often found myself on the receiving end of the kind of nonsense the girl I am now would never take. I didn't call them out on their BS often enough and they routinely got away with 'murder'. When I felt I had reached my limit (after many waters had passed under the bridge), I would end the relationship and swear never to let anyone take advantage of me like that again... and then go right ahead to repeat that same cycle with the next guy.
It may have been okay to discount one bad relationship as an error in judgment but when it became a pattern, I had to pay attention. 'The Universe' was definitely trying to tell me something.
You see, I had some broken places and I didn’t know it.
Now, this is not the brokenness that results from deep hurt or a hard life… nothing like that happened to me. This type of brokenness arises from some negative environmental conditioning. It is ingrained in you over time (usually from childhood into adulthood) and is so insidious in its workings; it leaves no physical symptoms and can only be properly diagnosed by conscious observance of patterns that emerge in one’s life as an adult.
A low self-esteem, low sense of worth, trust issues, daddy issues, identity issues, inferiority complex, savior complex, abandonment issues, commitment issues, victim complex, self-acceptance issues, body-image issues e.t.c are broken places that need to be ‘diagnosed’ and ‘fixed’ if we are to enjoy healthy relationships. Left unfixed, we befriend the wrong kind of guy/girl and the cycle of hurt, pain and rejection is repeated.
Have you noticed a negative pattern with your relationships (includes friendships too)? Friends lie or take advantage of you… or maybe boyfriends haven’t been faithful, so you’ve accepted your fate - afterall, all men are cheaters… for the guys, it could be girlfriends always seeming to prefer your wallet to you – you can’t find a girl to love you for you. Yet some others don’t seem to have these problems!
Turn inwards (some may need the help of a trained counselor), you might find the ‘why’ inside you and that the power to break the pattern lies with YOU! Not with him or her or them... with YOU!
Ire o!
p.s The girl I wrote about was me about 15-20 years ago… I am good now, tainz… lol
Olajumoke
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